Thursday, September 24, 2009

Attack of the 50ft Anxiety

Last night was the second time I felt miserable. And it wasn't because of food.

I had a pretty bad day yesterday because I couldn't leave work early like I planned to. I offered to give my colleague a ride to the store because I was going to pop by anyway. By the time we left the office, it was 6pm and I was feeling super tired. So I told him I will drop him off nevertheless. I had no idea they started to close the roads for the F1 races this weekend, so we were stuck in traffic for a good half hour. I was frustrated enough and when I finally got to my parent's place, my mother grumbled at me for being late and not being able to drink the chicken soup she made. I almost wanted to cry; not sure why but I felt really sad. I managed to cool off by relaxing in the car ride to dinner.

When The Husband and I got home later that night, I was hit pretty hard with anxiety and broke. Sitting and sobbing uncontrollably, I felt so alone and helpless. I was suddenly consumed by the thought of being a mother and completely freaked out. Perhaps we are not ready for this. It is a huge responsibility that we might have just taken lightly. After an hour of bawling my eyes out, I called it a day and went to sleep. I was completely and thoroughly wasted.

I knew a big part was the hormones that attacked me but I still cannot stop thinking about what a huge step this is for us. And if we had really really thought this through properly. But I know that as our baby gets bigger each day, I love him/her more and more. I want to be a good mother and I certainly feel pretty stupid for starting the drama last night. I just hope in the next couple of weeks or so, I will start to feel better.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

California Dreaming

For the first time since I discovered I was pregnant, I was really miserable last Saturday evening. The Husband had to work late but promised that we could still make it for sushi and soba noodles. So when we got to Sushi Tei at Paragon (after an elevator ride with a very strange guy), the kitchen had closed and we made it 2 minutes before last order. There was literally nothing I could eat since the there was no more cooked food, soba noodles included, available. I was starving; I really needed some california maki and just before I reached for a plate on the conveyor belt, I remembered that they were rolled in ebiko (prawn roe) a.k.a raw eggs a.k.a risk of salmonella a.k.a dangerous for baby.

Before I knew it, my hormones took over and I blew my top at The Husband. I wanted to cry but swallowed it all up and settled for eel handrolls and sushi. And I was rudely unfair to The Husband because it was completely not his fault that he had to work. He has been so super supportive and caring so I apologised. I felt horrible, because I have been so easy with food. I don't have much cravings but it would be really really nice to have some california rolls with wasabi and soy sauce. I'm slowly starting to forget how they taste like.

I'm such a drama mama!

Friday, September 18, 2009

The Root Problem

I love carbohydrates. I'm not ashamed to admit it at all. If I could (and technically I can), I would eat all the pastas, rice and potatoes in the whole entire world. Imagine all the Spaghetti Bolognese and Penne Arrabiata and fried rice and french fries and chips! I would be one happy person. You have to agree that these otherwise plain staples are so very important. I once tried to avoid them as much as I could (yes, I had issues) and only ended up with headaches that start promptly at 10am every morning and nausea throughout the day. I went to see the doctor and I even went to get an endoscope done, thinking that there was some problem with my stomach. In the end, I laid on the operating table, wide awake despite the general anaesthetic given, swallowing a black tube as thick as a garden hose. I would rather swallow raw tube pasta, anytime.

I became socially crippled because I was moody and tired all the time. I decided that this was really stupid and embraced (cringe) carbohydrates again, even though I did lose some weight. It was unhealthy and unwise.

These days I eat whatever I want. As you should be able to tell by now, I cook a lot of pastas. Easy and delicious! I do make a conscious effort to stay away from fast food like burgers and fries. But I recently crumbled and voluntarily asked The Husband to have lunch at Mcdonald's so I could have french fries. I thoroughly enjoy fries (and chips, chunky chips) with tartar sauce now and was pretty disappointed that Mcdonald's didn't fulfill requests for extra tartar sauces anymore. Did I mention they stopped the Shaker Fries promotion already!? I don't think it can be considered a craving, but I sometimes find myself thinking about potato chips too. Yikes!

I am thankful that my family does not have a habit (if it can be considered one) of dining at fast food joints. We are not much of junk food, erm, junkies and I have my father to thank for this. My mum always tells me this story which I don't recall at all. When I was little, maybe around 6 or 7 years old, we were at a restaurant for dinner. My dad asked if we wanted drinks and being the round ball of a girl that I was, I quickly asked for a glass of Coke. To which, my dad fiercely shouted, "No! So fat already still drink Coke!" Apparently I was very sad and cried secretly.
As "poor thing" as it sounds, I am actually very glad my dad told me off that way. I don't drink Coke or any other carbonated drinks for that matter and I think it's great!

The Name Game

I spent the whole afternoon looking through a names book yesterday. I have to say that looking for the perfect name is really hard. You like the sound of a name but the meaning of it may not be the best. And when you really like another name, The Husband doesn't. It's hard. It really is. But we know we are definitely going for classic names. Not old. More like, timeless.

So basically I'm "in charge" of girl names because The Husband already has his list of boy names (specifically one syllable), leaving me little space for any contribution. And thankfully he already has because boy names are extremely boring and uninspiring. :P

Ok, so here is our shortlisted list for boy names (not necessarily in order of preference but it is for me):

- Seth (my contribution and choice!)
- Luke
- Dean
- Keane / Keene

And for girl names (not in order of preference, yet)

- Sage
- Kaelyn / Caelyn
- Kaela / Kayla /Caela
- Colette
- Megan
- Cleo
- Vera
- Viera
- Carrie
- Lyndsey / Lindsey

I actually had Deandra, Daelyn and Deirdre on the list, but after second thoughts, maybe not because they can be difficult to pronounce. I aso had Sophie but our friend's daughter has the same name. I might add Desiree to the list but my sister thinks it sounds old. The Husband approves and added that the name invokes an image of a tall, beautiful, tanned girl dressed in her school uniform and who everybody likes. I told him he just made the name sound perverted.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Ruler of Me

I had to go for a blood test yesterday for toxoplasmosis because I have Kitty at home. I hate having my blood drawn. The anticipation of resting your arm on the cushion, the I-want-to-look-but-not moment, the swiping of the alcoholic swab that leaves a tingling feeling on the skin. And then, prick! and your whole arm goes weak. I have to go through this a couple more times after my first trimester. Yikes!

So after getting my blood drawn, I went for my check up and phew! I didn't grow a kg but went down one on the contrary. Finally! I got to see the baby again. Yipee! He/She has grown yet nearly another cm to a whopping 3.09cm. And when the doctor was scanning, he/she was moving and waving his/her arms about. I tried not to cry but at the moment, it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

All is good, with the umbilical cord forming, an indication that the placenta is well on its way as well. But I'm generally still quite weak, getting headaches and feverish sometimes. The doctor has given the okay on taking panadol but so far it has been bearable. She was pretty funny to say that I really don't have to bear with it.
I've decided to take more time off work and really get by the first trimester smoothly. One too many spotting scares. I went into the office today and quickly felt unwell again. As the The Husband said, it's just not worth it. :)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

More and More

I am back at work today after a long break. I guess it wasn't much of a break considering I had to pop into the store occasionally and answer calls from my staff then feeling all stressed up. Now that I am sitting in the office, I don't get any phone calls.

I was actually given a week's medical leave last week, then I had to start spotting on the last day of the leave (Saturday) and then the next couple of days. So, paranoid, I made a last minute appointment to see my doctor and was most happy to hear the baby's heart beat as strong as a horse. The baby has grown a cm in a week and yours sincerely has grown a kg too! That's in 7 days. I should be gaining a kg a month! Being at home all week is definitely not a good idea.

We shall see if this is going to be the trend during my appointment next week. Yikes. In the meantime, the baby is 2.25cm as of 8 weeks 4 days. He/She has a more visible head and short fore arms (think Barney) but I doubt my doctor should change jobs to become a photographer because what she shows us on the screen always ends up a blob in the photos.

Although I am not obviously pregnant yet, I am beginning to get more and more bloated especially after my meals. By the end of dinner, I might as well be 6 months pregnant. Apparently, according to books and websites, my uterus the size of a grapefruit now. And the baby is only the size of a grape!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I 8 Jagabee

I'm on medical leave for the rest of the week because I recently had a case of threatened miscarriage. Sigh. I had some light spotting on Sunday evening and although I cannot pinpoint what caused it, there is a high possibility that it was from the swimming (meaning exercising the first time after 5 months) I did on Saturday, even though I was really slow. Guess I won't be exercising for the next month (yipee!) or so.

I am 8 weeks today! The baby has grown so much from 0.24cm to 1.28cm (as at 7 weeks 4 days). We heard the heart beat for the first time and I could feel my eyes well up just a little bit. The entire ging-gang of my mum and sister plus her sleeping kids were in the room and I probably would feel very embarrassed if I cried. I thought it was pretty funny that The Husband kept saying "cool" in response to the heart beat. I cannot wait till the next appointment!

I don't reckon being at home now is a good idea because I don't have much to do (which is essentially the idea of medical leave) so all I am thinking of now is FOOD. For lunch today, I am thawing out a piece of salmon and I am probably going to make some pasta with it. Right now, I, oh I mean the baby really wants to eat Calbee's Jagabee fries. Now, I don't normally endorse junk food, but these thick cut fries are not too salty and tastes awesome! I first tasted them at P & A's place during a mahjong session but never thought much of them. Then ended up buying Jagabee from Watson's in the evening yesterday after being very tempted to have some potato chips at home (not good idea to be home at all).

Hmm. I think I might take a walk to Watson's later. Oh, I really need the exercise anyway!